The Dairy Is Closed

It's so sad and yet so strange that its sad. I am not a fan of nursing. It's very time consuming. I hate wearing the nursing tanks, they are too hot. Yet nursing provides such an amazing bond with babies. I also know its the best thing for them. It literally sucks though.

With my son I had to go back to work. I pumped for 9 months, which was torture. He was half breast milk and half formula. The only reason I weaned him after a year was because I found out I was pregnant and I was told by my doctor I needed to stop. He only had boob milk at night anyway to put him to sleep. I stopped boobing the next day. It wasn't an ish. He didn't miss it, it never hurt and only when he cried from being hurt did I miss it. 

My daughter though was a different story. I gave away my pump because I knew I was 99% sure I was not going back to work. She had formula once when I had a dentist appointment and was fine with the bottle. A few weeks later I had another dentist appointment. This time it went horrible. She threw up for the next 24 hours and wouldn't touch a bottle or formula for almost a year. This was very stressing. She drinks a few sips from a bottle now that she is a year but she won't nurse it. She drinks from straws best and some sippy cups. She will not drink cows milk. Not warm, not cold, not anything. Argh. 

I think I weaned her out of guilt and frustration. My son was a year when weaned and I couldn't justify giving her a longer nursing period than him. Granted, she had more milk than he did, I couldn't grapple the idea of nursing her for who knows how long and only giving him a year. Also, she is a mommas girl. She won't let anyone hold her and really only let her dad take her a few months ago. I work as a photographer and I leave her for 10 hours to shoot a gig sometimes. Having her dependent on me was becoming a stressful problem. So I quit one day. It was without warning. I just decided no more. She did great. To put her to sleep I take her in her room, hold her in my arms, rock back and forth and sing in a whisper. She is asleep in less than 20 minutes. It's kinda awesome.

At the same time though I became depressed. My boobs became so painful I wanted to cry. They leaked also when I held her. I was incredibly sad. This freaked me out a bit.  I ate a ton of chocolate and when that ran out I baked a batch of cookies and pretty much ate them all. I didn't leave the house for 2 days. I didn't tell anyone I weaned her. Not even my husband.  I was incredibly strange about it.  After 2 days I couldnt take it. I burst into tears when I told my husband.  The crying helped the pain go away but 2 weeks later I am STILL leaking milk.  

I believed those nurses when they told me I needed to pump and feed or the milk would run out.  I believed theses stories about how you needed to release the milk or you would run out. I guess with my son it was true but with my daughter it is a different and annoying story.  My boobs go in and out of feeling like a rock.  I leak milk when I hold her against me.  I wonder if its my body or nature telling me I weaned her too early.  Then I remind myself thats ludicrous and I keep cleaning the house. 

So its done.  I feel better.  The stress of putting her to sleep without the boob is over.  I need to get a rocker because my back is killing me. Next milestone is getting her to fall asleep with her dad rocking and singing.  Once that is done grandmas are next and then DATE NIGHT!!!